I’ve found the weekends in San Juan are indulgently lazy. Maybe that’s the wrong word since I walked over 12,000 steps last Saturday. But, because I have no social activities filling them up, weekends feel like an eternity. Nothing I have to do. Nowhere I have to be. Nobody I have to see. (I’m sure my friends with small children are cursing me.)
The ‘spare time’ feels almost like a burden. As though I should be filling it up with something. But, that’s part of why I had to cleave myself from the comfort and familiarity of home. I needed to sit alone, to have time on my hands to just be me and see what comes of it.
So, today, I’ve been reading and writing. I went to mass and then to a delightful bistro/beauty salon that was advertised in the back of the bulletin. I got caught in a rainstorm and popped into a BBQ place that I never would have otherwise visited. It was wonderful to sit outside under cover from the rain and sip on a cocktail while texting with friends and family.
Back at the apartment, I decided to sweep and wash a few dishes. It felt good to be productive. I’m definitely not an idler (please note that procrastination is a totally different topic and I can easily spend hours in a state of procrastination that looks like idling). I am so eager to get to what’s next in my life, to move forward, to keep pushing. But, I tell myself again, I extracted myself as a way to force myself to be alone and idle. What’s next will present itself when it’s ready — and when I’m ready.